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Praise Be To Lykins

Hail Your New God

Name:
Praise be to Lykins.
Membership:
Open
Posting Access:
All Members , Moderated
I've grown tired of atheism, where's the fun in that? I mean, before this new kick ass religion atheism was the best one but that's changed. Seriously, why worship anything else?

What made God God? The only religion that answers that question.

In the beginning there was the old Lykins. He was a great man. He was in World War II, he kicked Hitler in the throat, nuked Nagasaki, saved Stalingrad, and personally repelled the Japanese at Iwo Jima. After the war he begat the middle Lykins. But he wasn't man-God material. Not long after he hung out with Lucky Luciano, sold donuts, directed the Godfather, and sent L. Ron Hubbard through a woodchipper. In the 80's the Elder Lykins begat the man-God Lykins. With his glorious birth he didn't really do anything that spectacular for the first 20 years. Then one night he decided he didn't want to get a job so he started a religion. He awaits your paychecks.


For whenever you get around to them.

1. Thou shalt have as many Gods as you can afford.
2. Fuck your parents, listen to me and send cash.
3. Thou shalt only send cash, I can't stress this enough.
4. Thou shalt take my holy word as law.
5. Thou shalt listen to The Tossers.
6. Thou shalt buy the living man-God and his friends beer until one of us turns 21.
7. Thou shalt send cash, seriously.
8. Thou shalt not bum the Lord's cigarettes. He's broke now.
9. Thou shalt be reminded, his great lordyness only accepts cash.
10. No checks.


Our new God has sent down new virtues for man to live by, these are the Four Virtues of the living man-God.

NICOTINE The great living man-God loves smokers. Now, you needn't be a smoker to feel the greatness of the living man-God, some of his apostles are non-smokers. But it's a plus.



INTERNET PORN One of the many things that makes the living man-God tolerate his day to day routine. Besides, it's a good way to kill 10 minutes. The wise follower would immerse him/herself in internet porn.





VIDEOGAMES They're cheaper than blowjobs and they last longer. Besides, it's probably the closest I'll ever get to killing a real cop. Not only that, but Britney's Dance Beat makes the living man-God dance like John Travolta. If you follow the teachings of the living man-God you will realize that it centers around wasting your life, so how better to waste your life than sitting in front of a TV throwing hours away before the altar of computerized graphics? This also serves as an altar to the living man-God.



SLUTS If you can't understand this one you're automatically excommunicated. Sluts are the only thing that keep the living man-God from smiting some heathens with...well...I'm working on it. But yeah, the follower of the teachings of the living man-God should understand that the slut is the key to true enlightenment, and scabes.




The one thing religion has lacked until now.


I think it's pretty safe to say religion blows. Seriously, why worship a fat Asian guy who hasn't seen his dick in 20 years? Or how about a God that spends his weekend smiting gays...sounds like fun to me. Oooooh, Hindu, just what I've always wanted, an even more oppressive class system, huzzah!

So I think it's pretty safe to say I'm the best God out there. Think about it, I'm not gonna have Buddha's angst, God, Allah, and Yahweh's smiting ways, and I'm not a bad Hindu acid trip.

Give me some time and you'll find that I'm the best choice out there for a religion.

You can send all prayers to: Praise Be To Lykins

The Members:

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The Messiah Wesley Willis

Wesley Willis MP3s

Wesley Willis, the great speaker of our age. In ages to come great books shall be written of his exploits, taken from songs (I whooped Batman's ass), and people will follow his great teachings (Suck a cheetah's ass). In 2003 Wesley unfortunately died, leaving behind all of us Wesleynauts, but fear not! For when the living man-God brings down the holy terror on your honkey asses the great Wesley Willis shall return to save, well, pretty much everyone because Wesley was an awesome guy. Birdman's on his own though.


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The Prophet Ali
jessi_spano
The Living Man-God was doing his Living Man-God thing one day when it hit him. "Fuck, the reason only like 5 or 6 people are members is because I don't have a prophet to start a World War in my honor!" And so the Living Man-God began his search for a Prophet to spread the word.

When for a moment the Living Man-God heard profanity that would make Larry Flynt shit himself to death. The Prophet had all but been born within the Holy Church of Lykins.

Upon her Holy appointment within the Church of Lykins the Prophet Ali had this to day:

"I hope you limpdick cocksuckers aren't expecting me to act like a Pope or something. The Pope's dead. That's kind of funny."

With a Prophet in tow the Pope and the Living Man-God are looking into starting a Holy War now against some damn dirty something or others.



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Pope Davis
cisnerd
The glorious Pope of the Church of Lykins was appointed even though he didn't know it. His life long commitment to all things holy (nicotine and internet porn) make him the perfect leader for the living man-God's kingdom on Earth.


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The Archbishop Hinkle
mack_named_jack
On the third day of the longest night the Great Lord Lykins saw fit to appoint his trusted servant Hinkle from Philly a holy appointment. The Lord sees fit to put the new Church's orgies in this great man's filthy, filthy hands.

Upon his appointment by the living man-God Archbishop Hinkle proclaimed:

"I shall backdoor 8 lesbians a day in the man-God's honor!"



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The Apostle Alphonse
The Apostle Alphonse has unknowingly been serving the Holy agenda of the living man-God for years now. His devotion to zombie movies, nicotine, and whores has made him more than worthy to join the holy ranks of the apostles. His band Coraline, which sings songs made of music has a Purevolume page that can be found here:

Coraline

Unforunately the living man-God couldn't find the Myspace page. Oh well. Anyway, the Apostle Alphonse had a cryptic yet deep statement upon his holy appointment:

"Supa Balls is in the mutha fuckin' HOUSE!"

Breathtaking.



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The Apostle Jason
chaos602003
This dude studied Chaos Theory under Dr. Hermann Von Lugensheleimer in Prague. Then, he worked on the presidental campaign of William Braxton Phillips IV for the 2004 election. Now, his time is split between writing novels and a letter writing campaign to convince Kim Jong-Il that he is the best successor for the Great Leader of North Korea when he keels over. He is the Asian correspondant for the Holy Church of Lykins since he moved to South Korea.

He's written a book you should all buy, to make him rich, so he can send holy offerings, thus making me rich as well. Here's a link:


Elitist Camelback Gaga

and

Ready Freddy

Upons his holy appointment the new apostle had this to say:

"Das ist gut!"

He didn't pay very close attention in Korean class I'm told.



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The Apostle Angie
p1x3lat3d
Every now and then a great leader will rise amongst the masses, bringing the slothen idiots among the population to a nice, comfortable suburb. Angie isn't one of them, but she does make up words every now and then. She doesn't make a lot of sense. That could have something to do with her position... as an apostle...

Do not offend the Patron Saint of Confusion, she does not forgive.

Or make sense.

Though confusion is not among the Four Virtues it is definately a big part of the living man-God's life, therefore she shall uphold that pillar within the Holy Church of Lykins.

When told of her appointment she had this to say:

"You know, the last time white people tried to get native americans to change religions it didn't go too well...why does that guy have a can of gasoline?"

Moving right along...



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The Apostle Travis
_kowabunga_
The Pope of the Church of Lykins (Ryan) found Travis showing his penis to school children one day. Ryan showed Travis how to make people send him money, since showing school kids his penis for their milk money wasn't taking him anywhere financially. Now that he's an apostle he's sitting back and waiting for the checks to pour in. When the Lord appointed him an apostle Travis had this to say:

"Send money. And Asian women, but send money to."

A true visionary.




The Archbishop of Beer
morwok
The Apostle Jason, Pope Davis, and Archbishop Hinkle were walking out of a bar one night. When all of a sudden Pope Davis trips over a drunk guy. The Archbishop spoke up "Hey guys! Let's pimp this guy out to horny sailors then spend the money on high class hookers!"

The Apostle Jason thought on this for a minute and he realized that the Church of Lykins has no alcohol related positions. He related his thoughts to the other two. Then came a beam of light. The Living Man-God spoke to the three men of the cloth: "Go forth, I have crossed your paths for this man shall homebrew us items that will intoxicate us. For we are broke ass bitches, therefore this is good."

Thus the Apostle Jason's clone was dubbed The Archbishop of Beer. Upon his holy appointment Jason's Clone had this to say:

"WU TANG CLAN AINT NOTHIN' TO FUCK WIT'!"

Indeed, Wu Tang Clain clearly aint nothin' to fuck wit'.



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Apostle Ian
kyluya
Upon the Prophet Ali's healing of the Protestant heathens thus converting 800 billion to the cause of Lykins the Apostle Ian was found. Due to freaky Protestant magic the youth (who in all reality is older than the man-God himself, more of that freaky Protestant magic shit) could teach kangaroos to use guns. And thus he was appointed the newest Apostle of the Church of Lykins.

Upon his Holy Appointment the Apostle Ian had this to say:

"I shall fire the bowling ball covered in Icy Hot out of my dick!"

The above photo was taken while he was doing this. Trust us...there was a lot fo blood and crying.



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Will the Exorcist
urbaldude
The Exorcist Will started out as a simple priest. Actually, he was the High Priest of Pork Pullin'. However, one day a member of our congregation was possessed by Julia Roberts. They showed horrible symptoms. The High Priest performed a ritual that drove out Julia Roberts and her freaky Protestant Magic. I can't tell you what happened because we're anal like that.

Since then, Will has been the leader of the School of Exorcisms teaching young priests how to drive out the spirits of shitty actors. Upon his higher appointment he had this to say:

"Praise be to Lykins and pass the ammunition."

Indeed.


Visit his website at The Dorkman!




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The Archbishop of Pizza Delivery
finding_jay
Hark, listen thee! Upon the time of the great hunger of the Prophet Ali, she ordered a pizza. After 20 minutes of waiting on said pizza the pizza delivery person arrived with the pizza. Upon further thought the Prophet decided it was time to increase the Church's numbers.

With that she abducted Jay and brainwashed her. Now she's a patriotic God-fearing citizen. Afterward she was dubbed the Archbishop of Pizza Delivery.

After the brainwashing, indoctrination, and holy appointment she had this to say:

"Braaaiiinnssss..wait, fuck my bad. I mean..Goooooood..."

There you have it.






The Church of Lykins had merged with the Cult of the Spork.



THIS IS THE EVIL INCARNATE!!!



Any support for Julia Roberts whatsoever will get you excommunicated.



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